A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 49
CHAPTER 149 .......... Talking to Teens

Chapter Description: 2 new pictures added 12/21/23 Images for this story can be found at the following web...... https://sites.google.com/view/comedy-ars-characters/home

CHAPTER  149

And so, without further ado, let us all give a warm welcome to our special guest speaker, Doctor Sammantha Adams.     (Applause level 3 … loudest)

Sammantha accepted the cordless mic and stepped away from the podium.  She doesn’t like to hide behind any kind of dais when she speaks.

She began, “Good morning everyone.  I would like to thank Dr. Paningbaton for giving me the opportunity to speak at your assembly today.  I look at this more as a rap session rather than a lecture.  And I can already see that my favorite middle school football team is sitting front and center … GO NADS!!  Hoo!  Hoo!  Hoo!”

My teammates loved that introduction and they followed suit, twirling their fists in a circle and doing the ‘hoo-hoo’ thing in turn.

“But I can’t forget a shout out to the varsity.  Let’s hear it for the Jeffrey Dahmer High School Battling Brain Eaters!”

The huge throng of teens cheered.

“Dr. Adams!  YOU ROCK!!”  shouted Showkat Gokool.”

“Thank you Mr. Kool,” Sammantha replied from a mere six feet away on stage.  “I couldn’t do this without your support.”

(Now she was ready to start her speech.) 

“Well, I woke up with a surprise between my legs this morning.”  (level 2, medium laughter.)  “No, no … It wasn’t a German Shepherd.  (level 1, quiet laughter.)  “You see, every night when I go to bed, I dream that I’m a boy.”

“And no matter how real it seemed, no matter how masculine my actions were in the dream, when I woke up, I was still a girl.  So when I was your age, I eventually had to face the truth that I was the only boy in my school with a vagina.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh,” low grumbling came from the audience.

“And I can hear all the guys in the audience going like (using a low voice) ‘Ohh, bummer, man.”

“And I can hear all the girls in the audience going like (using a nasal, sassy voice) ‘Well I wake up with a vagina every morning and you don’t hear ME whining about it’.”  (level 2)

“Girls, turn to your left and look at all the boys in your row.  Now turn to the right and look at all the boys in your row …  Right now, every single one of them has a boner. (level 3, loud laughter) ...  I know because I went to high school.  And studies have shown that every 30 seconds a sexual thought enters a teenage boy’s head…… The rest of the time, they’re eating.” (level 2).

“Okay, now we’ve all seen this acronym, and I’ll write it on the large smart screen so everyone can see … LGBTQ  (Sammantha paused a few seconds before expanding her acronym …)

“LGBTQ   QIP2SAA  BTGNNDM+”  (level 1) followed by (level 2)

“Now I’m sure everyone knows what these initials stand for, but in case you don’t, I’ll review here … So you’ve got Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Pansexual, Two-Spirited, Sapiosexual, which is an attraction to intelligent people, that’s a good one … Asexual, Androgynous, Bi-Gender, Tri-Gender, Gender-Fluid, Nuetrios, Non-Binary, Demisexual, and Metrosexual.”

“Uh, Dr. Paningbaton?  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but by this time next school year, the state of New York will expect you to build 19 new separate bathrooms at the high school in order to accommodate each of these groups.”  (level 3)

“By the way, the plus sign at the end is me … BTIGB … Boy trapped in Girl’s Body.  And some people have asked me why I didn’t get the sexual reassignment procedure, and I tell them honestly, I was scared shitless of the surgery.  I was afraid to get cut up.  I had wished it were a simpler process where I could just go to a dispensary that said ‘Give a penis, take a penis’.” (level 2).

“So finally, my decision was to accept the body that god gave me, and just make the best of it … along with all the perks of being female … such as periods, sneezing when I have my periods, PMS, vaginal yeast infection, sexual harassment, getting poked by underwire bras, long lines at public bathrooms, not being allowed to take my shirt off when it’s hot, guys looking at my boobs instead of my face when they talk to me, being called a bitch if I disagree, shaving my legs, shaving my muff …”  (level 3) … “Okay, so all you girls know what I’m talking about.”

“I was a freak back then and I’m still a freak today.  Ahh!  Don’t go peeking at the title of my book just yet.” 

(Sammantha’s book projected onto the smart board and she pretended to stand in front of it and block the title ‘Freak, a journey of self evolution’.)

“I just wished I had someone to talk to back then.  My dad was great.  He was always there for me and I tried going to the adolescent therapists.  You know what they told me?   They said my gender confusion was caused by overly intense fantasies during masturbation.  (level 1)  They wanted to refer me to a masturbatorium for treatment …  till I found out there was no such thing.” (level 2)

“I really wished I could have talked to someone more like me, a fellow freak … and this is what guided me toward my profession.  Because I knew there were a lot of kids out there who needed to talk to someone who had also gone thru a middle school experience similar to mine …  one that could only be described as hell on earth.”

“When it came to  my first period, and  I’m not talking about taking algebra in first period.   I’m talking about my first menstrual cycle … That’s when I discovered that middle school boys, yeah the same ones I played tackle football with in elementary school  … were a bunch of arrogant, condescending, pieces of dog poop.” (level 1)

“They would say, ‘Ignore her, she’s got PMS, She’s on the rag, She’s got mad cow disease, She’s checking into the Red Roof Inn, She’s got girl flu, She’s flying with the Red Baron, It’s shark week.  I thought, how would those boys feel if they had blood pouring out of their penises five days a month?” 

“In eighth grade, the teachers gave us written questionnaires that asked, ‘What is your ultimate goad in life?’  And I answered, ‘My ultimate goal in life is to go up to every boy in my class, give him a big smile, and cut off his penis’.”  (level 2)

“Later in the year, they gave us another questionnaire that asked, ‘What is your greatest fear in life?’  And most of the boys wrote, ‘My greatest fear in life is pissing off Sammantha Adams’.” (level 3).

“Now in high school, I joined the boys wrestling team where I acquired the well-deserved nickname of ‘Ballcrusher Adams’.  Be careful boys.  Some girls will crush your heart … and some girls will crush your balls.  I was the latter.”

“But the result of all this was that my problems growing up gave me a purpose in life … to become a good listener to young people who were also going through difficult emotional times, in middle and high school … regardless of the reason.”

“You know the definition of a freak?  A freak is a good person looking for a good listener.  And I feel like if I can save one good person, then I’ve saved the world.”

“Okay, we’re done talking about me now.  Let’s talk about you … Many young people are dealing with what we call a ‘salad’ of issues.  And those are the initials we use for another acronym.  I’ll write that up on the smart board … SALaD … Those letters stand for suicidal thoughts, anxiety, loneliness, and depression.  Some of you may be dealing with one or more of those right now … But it doesn’t have to stay that way.”

“Now it’s time to open up the pages of my book and look at the smart board … Here it is: My 3 part program… Freak: a journey of self evolution….,   A plan to build self esteem, that’s number 1, build self confidence, that’s number 2, and build a legacy, that’s number 3.”

I’m not selling books.  You can pick it up in your school library or read it online for free at my website,  SammanthaAdams.com.  How are these 3 subjects related?

“1 …Self esteem is your inward directed feelings, what Sigmund Freud called the ‘id’ ….  Where you can say ‘I like myself, I’m happy with who I am.”

“2 … Self confidence is your outward directed feelings… Freud called it the ‘ego’ … I can go out there into the world, and do the things I want to do.

“3 … Once you get working on those, you can start building your legacy, which are all the hopes and dreams you’re going to accomplish.  You’re creating a resume … not for getting a job, but for becoming an outstanding human being.”

“I never tell students what choices they have to make.  I don’t judge.  I’m there mainly to listen. … to lend an empathetic ear, and perhaps make suggestions based on past experiences and outcomes with others.”

“Students, you’re all free to check my website calendar if you’d like to attend one of our TA group sessions.  ‘TA’ is ‘Teens Anonymous’.  You’re welcome to talk about issues that concern you, or you can just sit and listen to others.”

 “In the group meet-ups and the Zoom meetings, we draw strength from talking about the experiences of each member of the group…. And we learn how to overcome the negative effects of social media and regain your personhood.”

“Your generation is the first to have a new challenge, where the majority of bullying is done not in the schoolyard, but online through social media.  So we work on making everyone bulletproof from social media.  It can be really tough , but you’ve got to work to take back control of your own life.”

“And I’m going to show you now, the best way to do that.  I need to borrow a smart phone for a minute.  Do any of you boys in the front row have one?  How about you, Randy?  You were taking pictures.  Can I borrow it, Please?”

(Randy was hesitant.  He did have permission to take pictures at the lecture, but he wasn’t sure why he was singled out by the guest speaker.)

“I guess so,” he answered, and stood up to hand his phone to Sammantha.

“Thank you, Randy.  Now for those who are not aware, Randy is an absolute expert on using camera filters … and today, I’m going to give him a new filter for free.  If you go to your app store, it’s called the ‘Hammer’ filter … and I’m going to install it on Randy’s phone right now.”

(What the hell?  I had no idea that this was in today’s script … Sammantha pulled out an actual snub-nosed hammer head with a three-inch handle grip from one of her pockets.  She then placed Randy’s phone on the rostrum and lifted the hammer high.  She wasn’t really going to do it, was she?)

((SMASH!!)) … ((SMASH!!)) … ((SMASH!!)) … ((SMASH!!)) …

The large audience responded with, “OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“Thank you, Randy,” she said, placing his phone back on the floor of the front stage.  We’ve already made a difference.  You have now regained control over your own life.”

“Normally, I use a prop phone for that bit, but since Randy lovvvvvves to pull pranks … I used his real one.”  (level 2).

(Randy appeared shocked … He took back his phone and was almost apoplectic with anger.  I wondered why Sammantha did that?  I guess it was because Randy poisoned me a few weeks ago.)

“Students, before I finish up with a Q and A, we’re going to conclude our talk today with a topic that I find personally offensive … uncircumcised penises.”  (level 2).

“Circumcision is not mutilation.  It’s a practical lifestyle decision usually made by a newborn boy’s parents ...  Boys, the verdict is in…. and you can ask any girl … an uncircumcised penis is ugggggggg-lee.”  (level 2).

“Seriously, it looks like a creature that came out of the ocean…. And that creature is the Urechis Caupo…. Here’s a picture of it up on our board.”

(Many of the girls in the audience reacted with, ‘Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!’)

“Now would any of you ladies like to take THAT to bed with you?”    

“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!”

“I’ve just given you fair warning of the heartbreak and horror you would face if you ever dated a boy with an uncircumcised penis.”

“Alright, students, the last item on our agenda today is a sex-ed Q and A session … and I’m going to do it a little differently than usual.  I’m going to try to answer some of the best questions submitted by the Jerry Sandusky middle schoolers in their health classes this year.”

“Let’s do questions submitted by the boys first.”

“Question: Why do girls have so many holes?”