A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 83
CHAPTER 183 .......... The Election

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CHAPTER  183

“Mom, I thought hard about this.  When Senorita Gato and Mrs. Bullutis tried to molest me, it was just against me personally and I was able to forgive them.  But what Kitti did to attack my teammates is beyond the pale.  I’ve made up my mind, Mom.  I’m going to destroy Kitti Power.”

“How?”

“Mom, you and I have discussed ‘proportional response’ before, and that’s what I’m doing.  In fact, it’s already done.  My friend Marlan will send out my email on Sunday night disguised to look like it’s been sent by the fictional detective, Nancy Drew.”

“I already don’t like this, Derrek.  You’re putting yourself in jeopardy if you’re ever caught.”

“Mom, you know how easy it is for you to get fake ID’s from your talented patients?  Well, Marlan is an expert hacker.  He’s sending it from his home through Proton Mail based in Switzerland.  It’s encrypted and untraceable.”

“”I’ve obviously been a poor role model for you.  And you don’t think Marlan will cave when the shit hits the fan?”

“The few people I’ve talked to all hate Kitti.  She’s evil.  She has a lot of enemies.”

“And what’s in the email?”

“Only the truth … along with blurred evidence from the boy’s shower and a not so blurred video of Kitti dancing in the nude.  That’s my proportional response.”

“Whoa, you’ve been a busy boy the last couple days.  You did all that while running for president?”

“I’m on a mission, Mom.  I accept the risks, but Kitti has to go down.”

“Keep me posted, sweety … and good luck in the election tomorrow.”

“It’s hard to lose when we’re running unapposed.”

Wednesday morning brought an air of excitement to election day.  I asked my running mates in homeroom, “Are you guys nervous.”

Madeline answered first, “I’m actually looking forward to this.”

Hoshiko followed suit.  “After your speech, when we got to lunch, some of the other girls invited us to sit with their clique.”

“Did you join them?”

“No, Madeline turned them down but invited anyone to join us and four non-clique girls did.  They asked me to tell them about Japan.”

My colleagues weren’t the only ones to receive extra attention.  Two girls who attacked me on Empathy day, Suzie Shrank and Manhattan Sneeze, came over and started ‘petting’ my hair.

“Your speech was great, Derrek,” said Suzie.  We’re both voting for you.  See?  Here’s our ballots.  And you’re allowed to vote for yourself.  Go up to Miss Premo’s desk.”

And so I retrieved three blank sheets, one for each of us.  It was weird to see ‘For President, vote for not more than one’ when there was only one name … same for the other two positions.

It was no longer possible for me to walk the hallways in anonymity.  Every time I switched classes, many students, especially the girls, would wave at me with a smile and say ‘Hi Derrek’ … and I would wave back with a ‘hey’ to every single one of them.

Even in Spanish class, Senorita Gato made an unexpected announcement.  She asked me to stand at the front of the room and she said:

“Clase, nos burlamos mucho de Diego, pero hoy deberíamos aplaudirlo como nuevo presidente de la clase de séptimo grado.”   (Class, we tease Diego a lot, but today we should applaud him as the the new president of the seventh grade class.)

Even the normally surly eighth graders willingly clapped for my forthcoming appointment.   I nodded and said, “Gracias.”

At lunch time, I mosied past Madeline and Hoshiko at what was now, a round table for six.  One of the other girls saw me an spoke up.

“Hi, Derrek.  I’m Latanya Leapheart and this is my clique of nerds.  I hope you won’t mind our negative influences on your two class officers.”

“Not at all.  They’re going to need some influences besides mine.”

Latanya Leapheart was insanely cute with curly blonde hair and blue eyes.  I couldn’t help staring at her.

At the football table, Showkat announced, “Our fearless leader has arrived.”

“Not so,” I countered.  “Whenever we meet as a team, such as at this table for lunch, we have only one leader and that’s Captain X.”

And X flagged me down again after lunch.  “Any news for me, Derrek?”

I took a deep breath.  “What’s done is done, X.  On Sunday night, el toro caca is going to hit the fan.”

By the middle of sixth period, the election results were ready and Principal Glass read them over the P.A. system.  “Each of our three candidates received 135 votes.”  And in an anti-climactic finish, she read off our three names as the ‘winners’.

She continued, “The swearing in ceremony will take place at our 10 am assembly tomorrow.”

I asked my two companians, “Why would you think they need another assembly?”

Our geography teacher, Scarry Harry, filled us in.  “Students, at this school, the swearing in of class officers is a serious event.  In fact, I myself play a prominent role in the ceremony, so I’ll look forward to seeing you tomorrow.”

Madeline whispered to me, “Why would he be involved?”

I shrugged.  I had no idea.

Thursday morning at 10 am in the auditorium, we got our answer.  Dr. Glass asked the three of us to come to center stage where she and five other teachers stood to greet us.  Scarry Harry was one of them and he was holding a yard stick.  That always made me nervous.

She smiled and shook our hands.  “Congratulations again on winning your respective offices.  Now please raise your right hand and repeat after me …”

“I … state your name … Do solemnly swear, that I will faithfully carry out the duties of my office … And will, to the best of my abilities … Preserve, protect, and defend the stellar reputation of Jerry Sandusky Middle School … so help me god.”

Dr. Glass then called out to the audience of students, “A loud round of applause would be appropriate at this point.”

Our classmates relunctantly clapped.  It did seem to be a rather dull assembly.

Dr. Glass then announced, “At this stage of the swearing-in ceremony, we now move to the hazing of new class officers.”

All three of us called out, “What?!!”

The principal explained to the audience, “In the early years of this school, student hazing was an accepted ritual in most of our school sports and clubs.  Many of the newer students would be required to undergo some time of painful experience as part of their initiation into the group.”

“But during the 1990’s, a bit of a rebellion broke out.  The athletes and the so called ‘Cool kids’  complained that it wasn’t fair for only them to be subject to hazing, while the nerdy kids who ran for student congress got off scott free.”

“In the interests of fairness, it was determined that a change in the policy was needed.  So now, instead of many students being hazed at random, the new class officers would be assembled in public for ritual hazing that would represent the entire student body.  It’s kind of like Christ dying for all the sins of mankind.”

“At this time, I am going to ask our three new class officers to turn their backs to the audience and drop their pants and undies, so that each may accept one swat of the yardstick to their buttocks.  The swats will be delivered by our esteemed Geography instructor, Mr. Harry Torrain.  Please drop your pants now.”

Not surprisingly, our classmates in the auditorium began clapping and cheering to the beat of ‘Drop your pants!  Drop your pants!’  They weren’t bored now.

Hoshiko turned and spat out words to me, “I hate you, Darakatoms.”

I looked at the principal and demanded, “And what if we refuse?”

Dr. Glass opened her hands and replied, “You can’t refuse, Derrek.  This is a time honored tradtion that everyone agreed to.  That’s why there are so many teachers on stage … to make sure that the ritual is carried out.”

I turned again, and this time, I confronted Scarry Harry. 

I told him angrily, “You give all three swats to me.  If you touch my girls, there’s going to be hell to pay!”

Harry nonchalantly nodded and replied, “I’ll agree to that.”

My Geography teacher wielded a double-thick yardstick that would not so easily break in half like the others he used in class.  I went ahead and prepared for the worst, dropping everything so that the audience jeered my poor butt.  But I didn’t do this quietly.

“Give me your BEST SHOT, you old geezer!!”  I yelled at Harry, loud enough for the audience to react in my favor.  I continued, “You’re so weak, little old ladies have to help YOU cross the street!!   You’re so wimpy, that sissies like to pick on you!!”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

(Man, did that burn.  The first swat reverberated throughout my body.  It felt like he had ripped the flesh off my buttocks.  I was certain that two more of those would send me off to the hospital, but I had no choice.  I would not be a coward.  I would insult him as much as I could.)

“Is THAT all you’ve got, old man?  If I was as weak as you, I would turn in my manhood card.  I would run straight home and cut off my pecker if I were that weak.  That’s why you carry a big stick … because your pecker’s so tiny, you have to make up for it!  You’ll never be the man your mother is!  We all sprang from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough!  If you love my butt so much, why don’t you marry it, pervert!!”

Scarry Harry snarled at me and raised his stick high.  I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to stand or speak after his next blow, but at least I had my classmates on my side.

I waited for his next strike, but I felt nothing but a swift breeze.  In complete shock, I saw that my football coach, Icy Parker had run right past me and pancake-tackled Scarry Harry on the stage.

I quickly yanked up my pants as the audience exploded in ear-splitting screams (and cheers).  The two men wrestled on the stage, but their momentum carried them forward and they both fell off the stage and landed on the floor with a very loud thud.

Principal Glass ran down the three steps and tried to appeal to reason.  “Gentlemen, please stop!  You’re setting a terrible example for the children!”

A few seconds later, the other adults present helped separate the two combatants.

“What did I tell you, Harry?!” bellowed Coach Parker.  “What did I say would happen if you injured another one of my players?!”

Harry, now without his yardstick, fired back, “Oh, bring it on, Coach!  Any time you want to finish this, I’m ready!”

Principal Glass told our little trio, “You students can go now.  We’ll dispense with the remaining two swats.”

Hoshiko was really pissed.  “Are you sure, Dr. Glass?  I would not want to interrupt an American cultural tradition as important as this one.”