What Emma Wants

Chapter Description: ​Caught in a very embarrassing situation, Emma assumes her "babysitter" is going to abandon her.

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I spat out the pacifier and felt choked up with shame. I had already uncontrollably filled my pants in front of Jacob, I really didn’t want to start crying over it. But the tears wouldn’t be stopped, and I sniffed as I wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands. Jacob had been here less than ten minutes, and I had shown him who I truly was. I felt so humiliated. The man I had a crush on, who had just all but told me he had blown off a date to come look after me, and this is how I replied. By showing him how useless and pathetic I truly was. It was like my body was working as hard as possible to make him regret his decision and show him that I really was the useless baby that I really didn’t want to be.

“Hey…” I felt a hand on my shoulder. I hadn’t even noticed Jacob getting nearer to me, “Are you alright?”

I slowly stood up. The air in the garage was stale at the best of times, now it smelled awful. I turned but couldn’t look Jacob in the eye, instead I kept my face to the floor and shook my head. No, I wasn’t alright, I desperately needed a change and had just humiliated myself. I was angry. I hated myself.

“Come on.” Jacob said softly, “Let me help you.”

“You shouldn’t.” I angrily spat out, “I don’t deserve it.”

“Don’t be silly.” Jacob replied, “Of course you do.”

Jacob reached down and took my hand. I felt suddenly nauseous but not like I was going to be sick. It was a very curious feeling. Like butterflies in my tummy, almost like I needed to poop again. If literally anyone else in the world had taken my hand, I would’ve been furious, but as I looked in Jacob’s eyes through my own watery ones I felt very differently indeed.

“Come on.” Jacob said with a small smile, “It’s OK. It’s not your fault.”

Not my fault? That wasn’t something I heard very often. I slowly stood up, wincing as the diaper moved against my skin. Jacob kept hold of my hand and gently led me back into the main house. I kept expecting him to let go, to start making fun of me or something, but he didn’t. We went upstairs to my nursery. If I hadn’t been in such a desperate need for a change, I would have stopped him going in and see how I lived

I pushed open the door and stepped inside. My face went the same shade of pink as the walls as I turned to see Jacob looking around. Despite my messy diaper and everything else that was going on I was somehow more embarrassed about my room.

“Nice room.” Jacob said.

“I hate it.” I mumbled in reply.

“Why? It looks…” Jacob started.

“Like it’s meant for a baby.” I finished.

Jacob stopped and then chuckled. He nodded his head a little. God, his laugh made me melt. I wished more than anything that we were equal, that we were meeting under a situation where I wasn’t so clearly pathetic. I stood staring at him without even realising I was doing it.

“Did you want to…” Jacob indicated the changing table.

I nodded and walked over, stumbling over the rug on the way but thankfully keeping my balance. There was no way to do the next part gracefully and I lifted myself with my arms and turned, landing butt first on the table and causing the poopy mess in my diaper to immediately spread over my skin. I winced as I shifted and laid down on the padded surface.

“Are you sure you want me to do this?” Jacob asked as he took his place and pulled out a diaper as well as the half-full tub of wipes.

“No, I don’t want you to do this.” I replied rather sulkily before continuing in a much quieter voice, “But I can’t do it myself.”

Jacob had the tact not to say anything. He must’ve thought I was so pathetic. Not only needing and using diapers but being completely able to change them myself. I heard the poppers on my onesie come apart and Jacob pushed the flaps up and over my belly revealing the diaper underneath. I couldn’t look at him, I was mortified about what he was about to do and turned my head to the wall, lifting one arm to cover my eyes.

“Alright, let’s give this a go.” Jacob said as he started pulling on the tapes.

I felt the diaper slacken and then, finally, the front was lowered down. I thought I might die of embarrassment. This was not how I wanted the guy I had a crush on to see me, this was not the way I wanted ANY man to see me. I thought back to what mom had said to me, about how being changed by dad for the first time was some kind of wonderful intimate experience. I’d scoffed at her but now I thought I might’ve understood what she meant.

“I’m sorry…” I mumbled through my embarrassment as Jacob started wiping me clean.

“It’s fine.” Jacob replied. It sounded like he was trying not to breathe through his nose, “It’s not so bad.”

“It is.” I said sourly, “I hate that I have to wear diapers.”

Jacob didn’t say anything as he finished cleaning me up. In truth, the whole process took several long minutes. As humiliating as it was to have my most private areas on display to him it really paled into insignificance when I thought about what he was doing. I remembered what he had intimated downstairs, that he had blown off a date to come look after me. For a brief minute there I maybe had a chance with the only guy who had ever seemed evenly remotely nice. I’d immediately blown it. There was no way he could see me as anything other than a useless baby now.

I noticed that Jacob didn’t seem to be particularly confident changing my diaper. He made a bit of a mess cleaning me up and had to adjust the tapes on the new disposable several times before it fit correctly. Even then it was a little loose. I got the feeling he hadn’t changed many diapers before.

After popping my onesie back together Jacob looked across the room at one of the few shelves not completely occupied by baby stuff. I was straightening up my onesie as he reached up to the bookshelf and ran his finger along the spines.

“Have you read all these?” Jacob asked. He sounded a little surprised to see them. I had to admit that they did look a little out of place when the rest of the room looked like it belonged to a toddler.

“Yeah.” I replied, “Have you?”

“Just one of them.” Jacob replied, “I have to admit I don’t do a lot of reading.”

There was silence for a few seconds. I didn’t really know how to respond to that. Reading was one of my favourite things in the world. Being able to just forget about the real world for a little bit could be blessed relief sometimes. I watched Jacob and wondered what he was thinking. I didn’t have to wait long to find out. He turned around with a big smile on his face.

“Tell me about them.” Jacob said.

“Huh? Why?” I replied rather stupidly.

“Let’s go downstairs and you can tell me about your favourite books.” Jacob said.

“But… you could just read them yourself.” I said.

“I don’t want to read them.” Jacob said, “I want to hear you talking about them.”

My eyes opened wide, and I felt myself going red. I couldn’t help but smile a little as I walked away. I loved reading but had never had the opportunity to really talk to others about it. I really didn’t know what to say and could feel myself getting flustered. I shifted my feet uncomfortably and was actually getting quite annoyed about being on the spot.

“But how about we get some lunch first.” Jacob suggested.

I was grateful that the spotlight had been turned off. I nodded my head and was glad to follow Jacob out on to the landing and then downstairs. We went through to the dining room where Jacob was already opening the fridge as I walked in. I stood in the doorway staring at Jacob feeling even more surprised.

“Baby food?” Jacob’s head was hidden by the fridge door, “You eat this stuff?”

“What are you doing?” I asked with a frown.

“I was going to make us some sandwiches.” Jacob said as he pulled out butter and some other things.

“Shouldn’t I do that?” I said slowly.

“Do you want to?” Jacob stopped and raised his head above the door to look at me, “I don’t want to step on any toes.”

“No…” I was almost suspicious. Like I was being tested.

Jacob smiled and went back to making the sandwich. I went across to the table and got into my highchair, pulling the tray closed and watching Jacob as he made a couple of sandwiches. At one point he looked back at where I was sitting and faltered for a second before going back to making the food.

“You eat in one of those things?” Jacob asked as he brought the plates over.

“It’s not like I have much choice.” I muttered, “If I sit anywhere else Dad spanks me.”

“I mean… He’s not here at the moment.” Jacob said.

I understood he was hinting that I could sit in a regular chair if I wanted. In all the meals I had eaten since I could remember I had looked at those normal chairs with envy. But now, as I was given the option to sit in one for lunch, I found myself shying away from it. I hated to admit it, but I was… scared.

I knew my coordination was abysmal. I didn’t know if I could sit in one of the chairs without somehow falling off it. At school the plastic chairs we had were low to the ground and even on those I found myself falling over occasionally, these were higher and would hurt more. Then there was the worry that I would do it right in front of Jacob. It felt like a risk I couldn’t take.

“I’ll just stay here.” I muttered quietly.

“OK, no problem.” Jacob said with a smile.

A sandwich on a small plate was placed in front of me and Jacob sat down on the nearest chair, the one mom usually used. I watched as Jacob bit into his sandwich and then looked down at mine. I wasn’t often allowed to feed myself at home, I hadn’t even been given a bib. A part of me felt exhilarated. Jacob really did see me as an adult or an equal, or at least as much of one as was possible under the circumstances. I picked up the sandwich with a smile.

I don’t know if it was anxiety, my coordination, or something else, but as I held my lunch in front of my mouth a bunch of the filling fell out and on to my clothes. I yelped and, in my shock, I ended up quickly dropping the rest of the food. I stared down at the tray where the sandwich had broken apart and then my chest which was now stained from the food that had dropped on it. I put my elbows on the tray and covered my face in embarrassment. I expected Jacob to say something, or to laugh, but he remained silent.

After a couple of seconds, I heard his chair scrape on the floor, and I assumed he was going to leave. He was going to write me off as hopeless just like everyone else did and move on to a girl who could actually give him what he wanted. My eyes watered as my emotions ran away from me. I parted my fingers and saw Jacob opening the fridge door.

“I’m… I’m sorry…” I muttered in shame.

“Don’t worry about it.” Jacob answered sunnily, “I didn’t realise how bad your coordination was. It’s fine, I’ll make you another sandwich.”

But I was going to worry about it. Even if my coordination had just been normal for my age and gender, I wouldn’t have found it much of a problem, but that wasn’t what it was like. I honestly felt as though my ability to use my hands for small tasks hadn’t got any better from when I was a toddler. I lagged so far behind my classmates that at several points the teachers had considered holding me back a year or two. It was only my father demanding they keep me on the same track that had stopped them. One of the few things I could be thankful to him for. He didn’t do it out of altruism and generosity towards me though. No, he didn’t want me held back because he knew it would make it harder to find a husband, there was a stigma against girls that deviated from the curve, and he needed me married off and out of the house, so I was no longer his problem.

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